Authentic {Be Yourself}

This Tuesday evening/night was absolute hell for me. Now, I’m not going to go into what happened that evening that caused me to lose sleep and feel shitty about myself because I simply don’t want to go there again. The only final words I have to say in reference to that debacle was that my questions were NOT meant to offend anyone. I was NOT trying to be sarcastic, insensitive, rude or any of the other names I was called. I was trying to learn about something I’ve been terrified to ask about because of fear of getting the type of hateful reactions I received on Tuesday. I’m sorry I even tried- I should have just stayed quiet and oblivious.

Or Googled it. Because Google is always accurate, right?

Wednesday, the feeling of being a terrible person just loomed over my frizzy head all day long. I was pissed off. I kept thinking about Tuesday evening over and over in my mind. I told my co-workers and friends about it. Then I decided to go to Facebook and unfriend people. I know that at first glance it doesn’t seem like those 2 things really correlate. How does feeling bad about yourself equate to wanting to go crazy unfriending people on Facebook? Yeah, I don’t know. It was cathartic though. Truly. Like I had control or the upper hand.

And inevitably, the awkward thing happens when you go to unfriend a specific person and they’ve already unfriended you. That moment of “What the hell?” rushes over you, and frankly, you’re just angry you didn’t dump them first. And then I pondered about why they unfriended me. What did I do? Was it something I said?

Then I went on a deleting rampage of about 20 of my 200 or so “friends” on Facebook. Friends is a term I use loosely in regards to Facebook because there are chicks from high school on there. Now, if I call you my friend on Twitter, you’re golden.

But back to being unfriended on Facebook by someone you know IN REAL LIFE (sad that I have to emphasize that, but you know) that you used to be friends with- or so you thought. That you used to talk to daily and then they just cut you off. CUT YOU OFF. Out of nowhere. After you were there for big moments in their life, after you shared intimate secrets with them, after you did things to help them, after you were there for them in their time of crisis and heartache…what a slap in the face. I’ve never confronted these girls about why they just completely cut me out of their lives because I feel fragile right now. I don’t want to hear, “Well, Monica, you’re whiny.” Or maybe, “Well, you don’t have kids, so therefore, we have nothing in common with you anymore. But nice knowing you!” Perhaps, “Well, Monica, we just don’t want to be your friend anymore. Bottom line.”

Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I don’t want to hear any of that. Who would? Really.

After moping a bit, I tried to think of what truly bothered me about the whole situation. Was it that I felt bad for losing good friends? Felt dumb for thinking they were “true” friends to begin with? Or is it simply not knowing what I did?

All of the above.

But then, I tried to be completely raw with my feelings to get to the root of it all. I was upset that maybe…they didn’t like me. I want to be liked. It’s so vain, so self-centered, but such a pure emotion of wanting to be accepted and cherished for who I am. Whiny. A lush. Emotional. Sensitive. Funny. Curse like a sailor. Acne scarred. Thunder thighs. Over-analyzer. Quintessential dreamer. Britney Spears lover. Smarty pants. Purveyor of all things damask.

And a friend. A good, true friend.

Then on Thursday, something just clicked inside me. A glorious epiphany came to light: I was apologizing for who I am. Changing myself to try to fit in. Not being an authentic version of myself. Not being accepted.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for being who I am. I shouldn’t have to change my qualities and quirks. I am all the things I mentioned in this post on top of so many other things. There are lots of people who like, even love, who I am. As is. Nothing altered. Just me. Raw.

Today it’s Friday, and what I feel is love and empowerment for myself. Those girls that rid of my friendship, well, I wish them happy, beautiful lives. Regardless of why they chose to ditch me from their circle of friends, at least I know I am authentic.

And that’s simply a beautiful thing.