Now, I know I am hard on myself on this blog (anyone see how I literally called myself a heifer in this post?), but truly, I don’t really hate myself. Sure, I am not happy with my thighs, chunky arms, and fluffy tummy, but I am beyond thankful that I can move/walk/dance/nap/run/play/shop/blog. Truly, I am a blessed individual in so many ways.

After my wedding on May 23, 2009, I felt sad. I was engaged for THREE years people. THREE! I lived, breathed, and ate wedding crap for THREE years. I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those people who become super depressed and useless after their wedding because they had nothing to do.

Thank God for Google Reader. Honestly- THANK YOU JESUS! I then shifted my focus to home decor, crafting, health, DIY, etc. I filled the void. I also started blogging an insane amount. It’s truly awesome that I get these random thoughts or ideas, and you (yes, you…you sexy thang reading this blog) READ it. You comment. You e-mail me. You make my day.

You all are free anti-depressants. My free happy pills. So, this post is dedicated to a few of my fave comments or e-mails that I have received lately. I love each and every comment, I cherish them, so if I don’t feature yours please don’t be mad. Promise? Smooches!

Comment from Tina: “I think your bash your body and weight too much :( Have you seen the contestants on The Biggest Loser? Now they have some serious weight to loose.”

Tina- I would have to agree! I am really hard on myself, and your comment made me step back and realize I need to be nicer to myself. Thanks for your comment! You made me reevaluate how I treat someone very dear to me- MYSELF. :-)

Comment from Gwen: “You are loved Monica. At the end of the day, that and your health is all that matters. Smile girl!”

Gwen- You are such a sweetheart. Gwen is also my Twitter pal, and I can count on her for honest advice (tiffany blue table= a hot mess) and kind words. Thanks!

Comment from Anonymous: “Monica, thanks so much for sharing your struggle. I can relate so much to what you are saying. And while I know it doesn't really mean that much coming from someone you don't know (and it really has to come from within and all that jazz), you really do look beautiful in *all* of those photos. All. of. them.”

Anon- Your comment made me cry in a good way. I always feel comfort in knowing I am not alone, so hearing someone say they can relate makes me happy you don’t feel alone either. *hugs*

Comment from Lupismore: “it's like you read my mind with this post today... i always have buyers remorse but not just about make up or purses... about almost everything. i feel like if a spend money today on a venti cappuccino macchiato i'll regret it tomorrow when i have to pay my electric bill”

Lupismore- Thanks for making me feel less paranoid! I think with all the headlines about job losses and foreclosures, it’s hard not to be worried. But please promise me you’ll have a guilt-free coffee this weekend, k?

Comment from Rita: “You crack me up. I cant decide what I like better, your stories or your creations. I just read this whole blog and re-read it to my teenage daughter (who by the way loved your lady gaga comment- I commented on that one already). We think you're too great!! Anyway just can't wait to see and hear what's next.”

Rita- Thank you!! My husband swears I am NOT funny. I told him YOU think I am funny! And I am a hit with your teenage daughter? That is FABULOUS! Way more fabulous than Lady Gaga’s tour getting canceled. (Had to throw in another “hip” reference, I just HAD to!)

Comment from Shana: “OMG! I LOVE this post, it's great and made me smile. You are so right..I know exactly what you mean! While it would be awesome to have a body like Britney, there's nothing wrong with Kelly Clarkson and Jordan Sparks either! Look how cute they are, they are really working it! I love the last pic too, the woman in the bikini is working it and she's not a toothpick! Awesome, awesome, I wish I could give you a hug, this really made my day =)”

Shana- I wish I could give you a hug, too! Such a lovely comment, and I am glad I put a smile on your face. Your comment put a smile on mine!

So, that is just a small handful of comments I have gotten on recent posts. Each comment makes my day. I just about do cartwheels when Blogger sends me an e-mail that I have a new comment. It’s a feeling like nothing else. It’s feeling appreciated, important, funny, witty, and a whole other slew of fuzzy feelings.

If you want to keep up with more of my daily banter, rants, raves then follow me on Twitter! I love my tweeple (people on Twitter) such as Lindsay, Jen, Gwen, Krys, Naomi, Jessica, Kristin and Jenn.

Up next a post on my big win today and about some of my Turbo Jam friends!

And I promise I do have some home decor stuff to post about…I went to Goodwill this past Saturday…woot! It was 50% off day baby!

And now I leave you with another oldie (but goodie) picture of me when I was thinner/skinnier. I need motivation to not go get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Oy.

 

In Weight Watchers, there are meeting topics every week, but the one that I use constantly is the visual motivator exercise. Basically, when you want to eat that big, greasy cheeseburger, you’re supposed to think of what you’d like to look like. This exercise is pretty effective if you have willpower. However, you can easily replace “Britney Spears” with “Rosie O’Donnell” and make it a double cheeseburger if you’d like. So, again- willpower=necessity.

Another must? A husband who doesn’t burn through food like it’s water. Thanks hon! You eat food, I look at the food= you lose weight, I am up a size. Peachy. Just peachy.

For the longest time, these were some of my visual motivators:

But, honestly, no matter how hard I try, I am NOT going to look like Britney Spears, Jessica Alba, or Megan Fox. Not gonna happen. So sorry Daniel, I know you had high hopes I would be smokin’ hot like these chicks, so I am just putting it out there. Not gonna happen. You can divorce me whenever you’d like. I should have disclosed this earlier.

Lately, there has been quite a stir about the naked plus sized models in Glamour’s November issue. And by plus size, they mean anything above a size 6 (or 8). Yeah. So, you over there, Miss Size 6- You’re plus sized. You didn’t know?! Shucks.

The girls are GORGEOUS. And NORMAL looking. Not saying Britney Spears is not normal looking or gorgeous, but her physique is simply unattainable for most of us. (Right? If you know how to look like Britney, please let me know).

Here’s the pic:

Then, I started thinking that I’ve been looking at the wrong sort of visual motivators all along. I should look at something that might actually be possible. Now I present to you my new visual motivators:

 

Much more attainable, realistic, and dare I say attractive? They’re curvy, they eat, they are still sexy, and they look healthy. It’s a win-win situation!

Which celebrities motivate you to put down the chocolate and pick up your running shoes?

And no, it’s not because I am round. And out of shape.

Round IS A SHAPE! Ha. Take that.

It’s because my weight hasn’t ever really been stable. Why am I talking about this if my blog is supposed to be about home decor, etc.? Because technically my blog is titled Monica Wants It. In this case “it” is health/skinny/single digit sized jeans.

I’ve always been the fat/chunky kid. No boyfriends. Always the friend of the pretty, popular girl, but never THE pretty, popular girl. That really didn’t change until my senior year/August of 2002 when I joined Weight Watchers. Between August and January, I lost FORTY pounds. This was under their old plan where you had a range of points, and if you ate under the maximum you “banked” them (up to 10) and used them some other day. I truly lost more weight on THAT plan as opposed to their new flex point/momentum plan. But I digress. I lost those forty pounds by following their program exactly and by doing Walk Away the Pounds and Richard Simmons 4-6 times a week. Then between January and May, I lost another 10-15 ish pounds for a grand total of 65 pounds in NINE months. NINE. 9.

I did all this for a guy. He knows who he is, and even when I got skinny he didn’t give me the time of day. Poo on you. Not that I am still bitter or anything. So my therapist says.

Anyway.

Then I went to college…well, not college, but THE University of Texas at Austin. I’ll admit it. I am a school snob. I went to a great school and got into their prestigious broadcast journalism program (only 12 make it per semester), so I am a school snob. Sue me. I am PROUD! If you’ve ever been there, the campus is HUGE, so I did NOT gain weight my freshman year. Nor my sophomore year. I did gain about 6 pounds in my junior/senior year (I was a 3 year grad). Not too shabby- 6 pounds in 3 years. The summer after I graduated I gained an additional TWENTY pounds (when I moved to Beeville to be with my hubby/then fiance). And then another TEN.

Good grief, I became a fatty. Again. What. The. Hell. Why, oh why, did I let this happen?

Comfort. Convenience. Laziness.

Then I lost the TEN pounds. So, that put me at a +26 pound gain. And I stayed that way, for oh, 2 years? Sinful. Gross. I know. Whatever you’re thinking, I have thought worse, trust me. Then I did the unthinkable.

I ordered my expensive, designer wedding gown 2 sizes too small. In DRESS sizes. Which is essentially, oh I don’t know, freakin’ insane. However, this forced me to lose weight. Again.

Not surprised? Yeah, neither was I. But I did lose it- I lost 20 pounds and FIT into my wedding gown. Putting me at JUST the 6 pound gain for the first time in 3 years. I was so happy. This moment I am speaking of was as recent as May 22nd, 2009.

Then I gained 5 pounds on the honeymoon (+11 overall), and then over the summer, I continued the honeymoon celebration via McDonald’s and too many cocktails and put on an additional 10 (+21).

Why do I do this to myself?

I think it’s because I give up. I finish a part of it, and then I am done. Done. I get comfortable and then 5 pounds creeps back on, then 10, then 15, and before you know it, I am close to where I started.

I am tired of that. So. unbelievably. tired. Exhausted. Frustrated. PISSED. I am DONE! I want to get to my goal weight/size for once and for all. It’s about time to start what I finished.

So, to totally gross you out, let’s look at some before/after pics.

Before Weight Watchers (sophomore year of high school, I think) at my heaviest weight ever (ewwww):

Here are some after my 40 pound loss my senior year:

And some more of after my 40-65ish pounds lost in January-May 2003 (I looked good!!):

 

And then some during college where I lost more weight (August 2003-May 2006) I was SMOKIN’ HOT! (Was being the key word):

 

 

Then here are some as I started becoming a total heifer again (August 2006-November 2009):

 

 

And then I lost weight for my May 2009 wedding:

 

And now I gained back some weight again, and this is what I look like today:

Yeah.

I am depressed. I want to get back down to being able to wear my red J. Lo brand corduroys like I am wearing in one of the above pictures. I want to wear sleeveless tops. I want to feel confident. I want to feel healthy. I want to get this over with.

I want to FINISH what I have started and restarted for the past SEVEN years. Enough is enough. Seriously.

So, my goal, is to be a size 8. That’s all I want.

I started in 2002 as a 20W got down to a 10/12. Got back up to a 14, then 16, then 18. Got back down to 14. And now I am at a 14/16.

I can do this.

What have you been putting off doing that you know has to be done for once and for all? It doesn’t have to be health related, but what better time than NOW to get stuff finished?

For those curious, I will be using Turbo Jam & Weight Watchers to achieve my goals. More on that in my upcoming posts.

Ever buy something and feel guilty about it? I’m not talking about a fleeting, “Oh, I shouldn’t have!” followed by a giggle as you happily skip to your car swinging your shopping bags and tweeting about your purchase.

I’m talking about truly feeling like, “Oh crap! What have I done?” and dashing back to the store to return said item before you even leave the parking lot. Too embarrassing to even tweet about.

Tell me I’m not alone. Lie to me people. LIE!

Well, I’ve done both of the above scenarios, and it tends to be more of the latter than the former. I am the Queen of Buyer’s Remorse. Not because I pick bad products (yeah, I’m lookin’ at you $9 Pledge Pet Hair Remover piece of poo) or because I buy a size 0 knowing I am 0 plus 14…it’s because I feel guilty. Truly, truly, truly guilty. Why? That’s what I am trying to figure out.

Part 1: Worry

I worry that if I buy a $11 face bar or a $358 purse (more on this in a bit, bear with me), I’ll lose my job the very next day, end up homeless, and lose my iPhone service. Truly the END of the world- NO iPHONE?! IT’S OVER! OHHHH-VER! Though I know this is irrational, I still feel this way. Technically I work hard and save, so why can’t I use some money to play? So, part 1 is that I worry that if I spend this money, no matter how large or small the sum of it is, I will end up under an overpass with a useless iPhone.

Part 2: Not Deserving

Ever have that person around that always is kind of a downer? You know, you buy lunch at Subway and they’re like, “Must be nice to be able to go out and eat. I’ve been eating leftovers from last Thanksgiving.” And you’re like, “Oh my. I’m sorry!” and go to your office feeling like a total tool. I hate buying something and hearing, “Must be nice.”

Yeah, it is. And I worked my ass off to get it. I went to a good college, finished in 3 years, have a good job, and I like Subway. Don’t judge me. Not saying I am rolling in money, because I guarantee you I am not, but if I have $5 for Subway lunch or $11 for a face bar, what’s it to ya?

Part 3: Need vs. Want vs. Quantity vs. Quality

Do I need a $11 face bar or would the $4 Neutrogena bar work just as well? How about that $358 purse versus a $60 purse from Kohls? Well, the cheap alternatives could work, may work, or they may not. I think I am at the point where I prefer quality over quantity. If I only buy 1 darn purse all year for $358 instead of 6 $60 purses, I am fine with that. If that face bar is made from quality ingredients and works for my skin type, I am okay with spending 3 times as much. Do I need them? Face bar, yeah; purse, um…no, guess not.

So, my question to you is this- do you engage in guilty pleasures? Buyers remorse? Am I psycho?

I even feel guilty getting manicures/pedicures/hair color. I need to stop feeling this way. If I end up homeless, I’ll have great skin and a nice purse.

Which face bar and purse am I talking about?

This is the facial cleanser I want from LUSH

I must thank JennXOXO for all her FAB reviews on stuff that I need. Yes, need. I need to have nice skin!

Then, there’s the $358 purse from Coach- the garnet with lurex. Lurex=lurve=$$$

Gorgeous. And it’ll match with EVERYTHING! And the bestest part is my iPhone fits in there. It better for $358.

I did splurge a bit today. I am proud, and I do NOT plan on returning them. Go me!

I bought this lovely houndstooth coat from Overstock

And these comfy looking boots in black, also from Overstock

 

For a total of $70.98 (free shipping!), plus a 4% rebate from eBates.

And I don’t even feel guilty!

Life is good.

Ok, maybe I feel a little guilty.