I am having a nervous breakdown.

Well, here I am.

I haven't posted in a long time because it wouldn't be pretty. It'd be me trying to sort through everything that has happened since February, and it's been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. A couple of ups, but mostly lots of downs.

No one likes that Debbie Downer friend or the passive aggressive status message on Facebook friend, and I've been both various times lately. Which might explain why certain people don't talk to me anymore, which adds to why I feel sad, but hey, I don't blame her, them, whatever. But it does break my heart.

I know things could be worse, truly I do, and I remind myself such daily. I have tons and tons to be grateful for, but one can't help wishing for more. It used to be Monica Wants but lately Monica Wants Sleep. Monica Wants Peace. Monica Wants Calm. Monica Wants Happiness.

And at this moment, I am crying. I have been wanting to cry all day and didn't have the strength.

I missed my blogaversary or however that is supposed to be spelled. I missed my birthday. I missed my wedding anniversary. Those are all cool days and milestones that I could have blogged about and instead I have spent it just wallowing. Feeling so helpless.

I even stopped tweeting for awhile, and I used to tweet a TON. I mean, like really, an insane amount.

I'm not going to go into what has been going on since a public blog on the internet isn't the safest place for a person like me to go off and vent on in this particular case, but I guess I am writing this post to try and bring some closure to this dark place I've been in. I am going to try and not feel so sad anymore.

Tomorrow something is going to happen, and either way, it is not going to work out in my favor. I am somewhat at peace with that, though I won't lie and say I am not scared. I am terrified because this isn't something I ever thought would happen to me. ME. The over-achiever. The nerd. The perfectionist.

But sometimes a mole bites you in the ass, and you gotta suffer the consequences.

So, with that being said, I look forward to quite a few things on this blog.

First of all, I have some projects I need to work on here at home that I want to share with you all. Being crafty makes me happy 99% of the time, so I want to get back into spray paint mode.

Second, I am going to give my blog a much needed facelift/makeover. I need to be brave and get away from my fave color scheme of black/white/hot pink.

Third, I need to post recipes and such. Being sad can either help you lose weight or help you gain weight, and I've packed on some pounds this year that need to be taken off with some healthy, yummy recipes.

Fourth, I got a Nikon DSLR camera that I am in LOVE with. I need to practice using it some more, so maybe I'll hop onto the Wordless Wednesday/picture post bandwagon.

Fifth, I hope to blog more often. Though the walls of my life seem to be crumbling around me, I still have the solid foundation of my family, friends, and Pee Wee to keep me grounded and protected during this rough patch in my life. To those who have stuck by me and been my friend during these past few months, I cannot thank you enough.

So, until next time, I leave you with a quote that my Facebook friend Kara posted this evening that inspired this post and eloquently explained the root of my problems:

"We rarely succeed at anything unless we have fun doing it."