Exposed.

I love Twitter. I do- I honestly love, love, love Twitter. I live in a small town where friends and socializing are almost non-existent, so my tweeps mean a lot to me. I like feeling like I can connect with people who share my interests. Today, I saw the hashtag #exposed being used a lot by my diet/weight watchers/healthy living tweeps, and I started to see what the buzz was about. I was astonished, inspired and humbled by their posts. I also felt even more insecure about myself though. I’ll explain.

Mish over at Eating Journey started the Exposed movement about a year ago. I think the point of exposing yourself is to show the world you in the rawest form- unedited, unairbrushed, flaws and all to show what we love about our bodies. Positive affirmations. I read through many of the posts (you can find most of them linked up here) and felt inspired to write my own.

But no, I will not be showing pictures of myself in nearly nothing because I don’t even like seeing myself in nearly nothing. I guess maybe that’s the problem.

In reading the posts I read about how girls have felt empowered to love their bodies and have sex with the lights on. I’ve read about how they have learned to love themselves regardless of a pant size or a number on the scale. I’ve read about how their bodies give them amazing abilities like having children, giving hugs, running marathons and so much more. It’s all quite amazing. Yet if you were to ask me about my body, I’d likely complain, make a joke or avoid the subject.

My weight has always been an issue for me. I’ve always been the fat kid, the fat chick and now a fat woman. Lovely. I did manage to lose about 60 pounds from August 2002-May 2003 and I never, ever felt more beautiful in my entire life. That’s the time I met my husband, and then I gained some weight back. Then I lost weight for the wedding. And since our wedding in May 2009 I have gained back ALL my weight. Yup, I’ve gained FORTY pounds. It’s like part of me doesn’t even know how it happened, but I know damn well how it happened. I got lazy. I am lazy. I drank too many margaritas and I ate too much fast food. There’s a reason you can spell fat food by just dropping the “s”. Everyday I swear I’ll start back on Weight Watchers, and I try, but I always screw up. I am just always hungry or always obsessing over food. It kills me. No one likes feeling hungry and miserable. I complain about self-esteem issues while eating ice cream with my husband.

I have problems, people.

I think about all these things, almost daily, but again do nothing about them. It just seems so daunting to have to lose weight ALL over again. I know I need to. I would never want to be pregnant at this weight. I wear the same 5-6 outfits to work because they’re the only ones that fit. I avoid my friends’ phone calls and invitations to hang out because I don’t want them to see me and think, “Wow, she gained all the weight back.” I avoid going to routine doctor’s visits because I am afraid of being made to feel bad for the number on the scale. I don’t like being made to feel like I am a disgusting person. I am just embarrassed and ashamed of my body. My poor husband has to deal with all my issues, and it effects our marriage in many ways. I don’t feel like it’s fair to him to have a wife who never wants to do the things husbands and wives should do. I feel like I treat myself worse than anyone should ever treat a person. I berate myself, I criticize myself and I am just negative towards my body.

I hate my body.

But tonight, I am going to try to think of things that I love that I could only do with my body regardless of my weight or size.

My arms, which I am so critical of, help me carry around my gorgeous dog Pee Wee. I love him SO much.

My legs help me walk around and do all the DIY projects around the house that I enjoy.

My hips help me dance around to the rhythm of my favorite songs.

I am a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a blogger, a tweeter, and so many more things that do not involve my weight.

Maybe in one year I can add “healthy person” to that list and then I can expose myself to you all.

But for now, I just hope to be strong enough to get back on the path towards a healthier lifestyle and to love myself more. If I don’t, who will?