A Weighting Game {Weight Loss & Health}

Me, 70 pounds ago, at my bridal shower in 2009.

Sometimes I feel like the hardest part of weight loss is waiting. And waiting.

You get started, and you feel like you’re constantly waiting until your next snack or meal. (Hell, I am at this very MOMENT.)

You wait to step on that scale to see if your success will be reflected with a number. (Don’t- also take measurements!)

You wait for weekly weigh-ins to turn into monthly losses that will lead to visible changes that you can see, and hopefully others, too.

You wait to see that magical goal number on the scale at the end of months, possibly years, of hard work.

Well, no wonder most of us fail. We’ve been conditioned to get instant gratification. To want it. To need it.

This might explain why I fork out money for Amazon Prime. I want my stuff in 2-days, gosh darn it.

I’ve also learned after trying for a DECADE now to get to my goal weight (shameful, I know), is that if you try to rush the process, it just doesn’t work out in the long term.

I think a turning point for me wanting to buckle down for the umpteenth time is BlogHer 2012. Sure I chose not to go because the flights were very expensive for me, and because I do have a new job, but the main reason I chose not to go to BlogHer 2012 is because of my weight.

And it’s taking me so much courage to put it out there, but I hope others can relate. Last year at BlogHer I was about 30 pounds lighter. BlogHer is the type of place you have to feel confident at or else you’ll just kind of get lost in the midst of swag and bloggers.

As I did last year. I left San Diego having had a fun time with those I hung out with, came home with cool swag, but I didn’t really accomplish anything in terms of my blog. I didn’t gain readers, sponsors or fans. I got to giveaway some Riceworks coupons and some coffee creamer coupons.

Nothing glamorous mostly because I lacked the confidence to go up to companies and sell myself.

I saw plenty of bloggers that were larger than I was, rocking their sleeveless shirts and showing armpit and talking to companies. Now they have HUGE blogs with great connections, and I am just kind of at slightly a higher level than last year.

So, one Saturday morning in June, I decided to just not go. Just like that. I sold my ticket, transferred my hotel room, and decided I just couldn’t do it. Why spend all that time and money when I knew I felt even worse about myself than I did last year?

And something else.

I hate being the fat girl in the group of pretty girlfriends at these things. You all know what I mean, right? It’s like your friends like you and all, and you’re super funny and witty, but when it comes time to take cute Instagram photos to post on their FB wall, you’re not in them because you’re the DFF (designated fat friend). I felt like that a few times at conferences/events this year, and let me tell ya, it sucks. I realize I am not a gorgeous, svelte, flawless girl, and honestly I don’t want to be in any photos unless I have to be…but…it’s hard. We don’t want to feel less than.

And so I’m not going to BlogHer because I am fatter than I was last year, and because it’s expensive and I have a new job.

I’m 27 now, and have been fighting this battle for a decade, and I just want to achieve my goals. Weight goals, career goals, blog goals. I want confidence in myself, yet can’t ever really summon up some.

Monica Wants It.

But I just have to wait.