Don’t cha wish you were hawt like me.

HAWT. Not hot.

HAWT is like the epitome of hot.

This level was not reached during my Pussycat Dolls workout DVD last Monday. Now, I on occasion use unlady like words like crap, pissed, WTF, etc. However, in this post I may introduce some words you may not think of when coming to my blog, soooo, don’t judge me and get ready for an interesting post. Sort of like the interesting e-mail I got from a male reader (that is not my husband who I subscribed to my own blog using Feed Burner) saying his wife was super pissed at him when she glanced at his web history and she saw “monicawantsit.blogspot.com” and she thought it was like Monica wants IT. Ya know. IT. The word that is like six but omit the “i” and add an “e”.

I’d take a new can of spray paint over IT most days of the week because this blog is not about IT.

Get IT?

Anyway, I found the e-mail hilarious, and once she saw the blog, she realized it’s about a chubby girl who is rather random and rambles on instead of getting to the point of this post.

Which is, the Pussycat Dolls DVD. Something else a wife probably doesn’t want to see in her hubby’s recent history on his PC either.

This post is rated R. Or PG-13.

I bought the Pussycat Dolls Workout DVD from Amazon. Or so I thought. Apparently my order never went through, and I ended up buying it from Best Buy on sale for $7.99.

Here’s what it looks like:

It’s Monday, January 4th. First day back at work. All day long I am mentally psyching myself up to workout because, let’s face it, if I loved working out I wouldn’t resort to buying a PCD DVD at 1:38 am in the morning on Amazon.com. I would be asleep and wake up to take a nice walk. But no. I hate exercise, but love dancing.

It’s 5 pm, I drive home, change into workout clothes, take Pee Wee outside, and I put the DVD in.

The cheesy music starts and they show close-ups of the PCD girls boobies and they’re all sex-ified. Lovely. This DVD is made for 14 year old boys. I am kind of standing there waiting for the darn intro to finish. Robin Antin is apparently the “creator” (or pimp, your call) of the PCD group and she’s going on and on about how great this video is. If you do it daily, you’ll look like a professional tramp PCD in no time! YAY! It’s always been my dream to run around in my skivvies.

We’ll see about this whole PCD in no time business. During this intro all I can think about are 3 things:

1.) Robin Antin looks plastic. She’s had some work done, and by some I mean they removed her entire face. But her body is fab!

2.) I want new boobs. Well, I mean, mine are ok, but I just want them higher…? Eh, who cares. My husband likes them well enough.

3.) This was probably a waste of $8 and 20 minutes in the long Best Buy line.

But, I am still optimistic, and I even have a water bottle nearby because clearly to look like this, you gotta work out HARD. Sweat, get sore, be outta breath.

The first part of the workout (a term they use loosely, you’ll see why) is set to their popular song “Don’t Cha”.

It starts off, and Robin is the one giving the instructions and it’s easy. If you can walk forward 3 steps and place your hand on your hips on step 4, you’ve got 1/4 of the darn routine down. If you can do so while trying to act sexy, you’ve got another 1/4 of it down.

I’m doing it, and I keep thinking to myself that I am not remotely sweaty. Not even out of breath. I look at Pee Wee and he’s doing the routine because it’s that easy. He’s also tweeting at the same time.

At this point I also realize that none of the chicks look familiar and this is because it’s the PCD from the burlesque show and not PCD the um “singing” group (wink, wink). But this doesn’t bother me any, because they all look the same to me. Nicole, the lead “singer”, does come out during the 3rd routine to the song “Buttons” if that matters to you or your husband.

It takes about 15 minutes for Robin to teach you the routine, and during these 15 minutes she also mentions a bajillion times that once you do this DVD you’ll really start to see results and get better at the dances. Really? Seriously? If you did this DVD everyday you’d be BORED TO TEARS. Finally, it’s time for you to perform the routine from start to finish. How long is the routine? Oh, roughly 30 seconds long. I’ll even summarize it for you:

<cue the music>

Bow chicka bow wow.

Walk 3 steps, place hands on hips on 4. Shake your hips while doing so. Leave lips slightly open to look sexy.

Do a casual wave of the arm while “hot like me” is playing.

Bend down to the left and right, run your hands up your thighs, slap your ass cheeks once on each side. (yes, ass cheeks- make sure you slap both- no cheating! This is EXERCISE!)

Bend down again and on random beats pop your boobies out- this will happen 3 times. Pop them like your life depends on it. Pop what your momma gave ya.

Do some random kickboxing like moves. If it helps, pretend your kicking your PCD DVD into the trash. It helps.

<cue music still playing but the routine you learned is over>

What to do now? The girls on the DVD are practicing their pole moves, I guess I’ll do that. <insert me running my hands through my frizzy, curly hair>

Oh wait, here we go AGAIN.

Walk 3 steps, place hands on hips on 4. Shake your hips while doing so. Leave lips slightly open to look sexy.

Do a casual wave of the arm while “hot like me” is playing.

I think you get the point.  You do the “routine” about 5+ times during the song and in between each set you just freestyle some stripper moves hoping your husband/boyfriend/child doesn’t walk into the door to see you swinging your hair around while you’re in sweatpants.

I looked at Pee Wee, and he was like “Oh my gosh, I am FIERCE!” and walks off to the sofa and goes to sleep. I am guessing he was being like, sarcastic or something.

Not being too impressed with the first routine, I did decide to move onto the next routine. Maybe they get progressively harder, I thought to myself.

Up next, burlesque. More stripper moves.

Robin starts off the segment by telling you to get a boa or a men’s tie. I don’t have a boa, and my hubby does have a lot of ties, but they’re zipper ties. Not gonna work. I finally found a suitable replacement…a pashmina.

The beautiful, magenta pashmina given to me by a friend/co-worker for Christmas. It is gorgeous.

The burlesque routine starts off and you hold the boa/pashmina over your head and move your hips from side-to-side. Then, you turn to the right and rub the pashmina over your boobies and lift your leg up and rub it on your leg, too. WTF? Alright. You’re supposed to do all that in like 3 seconds. FAST. They look all hot doing it, and I almost broke the damn coffee table trying to do it fast and getting my foot caught in the pashmina.

And this next move nearly caused a HUGE problem.

You take the boa (or my pashmina, which is considerably larger/heavier than a boa) and you swing it to the left and right. It basically slaps down onto the floor and you snap it back up and repeat on the opposite side. I did this forgetting that there is an obstacle to all this.

It’s called a ceiling fan. HOLY SHIT. The noise and movement my ceiling fan made when I whipped my pashmina up into it nearly made me shart myself. But after I consoled Pee Wee, I went back to the routine. I decided to just not do the whipping/swinging of the pashmina, and I’d be good, right?

Negative.

After you rub the boa against your girls, your legs, whip it left and right without killing yourself or your animals, you’re supposed to turn to the left, slap the boa onto the floor so that it GOES BETWEEN YOUR LEGS and you grab it with one hand behind/near your ass so you can like rub it between your crotch and look all silly and sexy.

I watched the PCD do this, and I looked at my pashmina, and I want to say I called it quits.

But I didn’t.

I tried it once. JUST ONCE.

Okay, twice.

And I couldn’t grab it behind my ass fast enough because I am like, ya know, FAT. And my ASS is FAT, too. And so are my arms. Ugh.

I whipped my pashmina onto the floor so that it went between my legs and it was just ewww. No way I was going to rub my pashmina into my nether regions like I am trying to hump it or something.

IT IS A PASHMINA.

The third routine is set to their song “Buttons” but the only button I pushed was stop on the DVD player. I have tried a ton of workout DVDs, and I have to say this was the most awful one. It’s not hard, you could cause bodily harm to humans/animals, and it’s a waste of $8. Well, more if you don’t have a boa and have to buy one.

Bottom line, don’t buy it.

Bottom line #2, don’t look at me funny when you see me wear my magenta pashmina.